WKRP - Round Three

Sometime this week I will buy the Season One box set of WKRP in Cincinnati. It’s important that's understood as you read the rest of this entry.

A year ago I made much hay over the fact WKRP wasn’t on DVD due to the music licensing issues. Then in December the first season was announced – with rumors that “some” music would be replaced and that Fox had hired someone to find “appropriate” substitutions. I claimed I’d give it a shot regardless. A few weeks ago Jaime Weinman at Something Old, Something New received a press copy of the set and dropped the bomb: Not only had some of the music been replaced, but nearly all of it had and there were even some edits as well as three of the episodes being the shorter, syndicated versions. So much for The “Complete” First Season (as the set is labeled). I announced I'd likely have no part of it.

WKRP has a rabid following and with good reason. It’s dramatically and comedically stood the test of time more than many sitcoms that lasted longer, got higher ratings, and are generally thought of as cornerstones of American TV (I’m talking to you The Cosby Show). WKRP is one of the greats and why Fox didn’t see fit to honor it properly by going the distance remains a mystery. TVShowsonDVD recently ran a piece that was enlightening on numerous levels but still smacked of bullshit rationalizations (um, the guy at Fox). Yes, we (the fans) understand the music would have been expensive (and most of us would've paid double to get the real deal). Yet Universal has somehow managed to release Miami Vice season sets -- chock full of ‘80s music -- without too much problem. Same goes for Saturday Night Live Season One, which retains all the music performances (one can only imagine how much it cost to include ABBA!). As Jaime Weinman pointed out, if Fox had even paid for a handful of tunes from key scenes -- such as Foreigner’s “Hot Blooded” and Pink Floyd’s “Dogs” (the latter omission actually resulted in dialogue edits to the scene!) – fans probably wouldn’t have made such a fuss.

Yet what’s done is done, right? The other night I started reading reviews on Amazon and was swayed. Why? Because person after person who’d actually bought the set said that even though they noticed what’s missing, what remains is far more valuable. I thought about that -- I might not get to see Les Nessman putting on a toupee to Foreigner, but if I don’t buy it I certainly won’t be seeing Herb in a fish costume fighting with the WPIG pig in the men’s room. Or Johnny threatening the elderly in the DJ booth. Or Les reporting that the shopping mall is currently being bombed by live turkeys. Yeah, the music was a big part of WKRP, but not nearly as big as Gary Sandy, Gordon Jump, Howard Hesseman, Frank Bonner, Loni Anderson, Richard Sanders, Tim Reid, Jan Smithers & Hugh Wilson and all the other people who brought the show to life.

I wanna share WKRP with my kid – who’ll never notice the changes because he’s never seen it before. Sure, I’ll silently grumble every now and then, but I’ll probably laugh my ass off a hell of a lot more often. WKRP is an MTM production, and Fox has already had numerous problems with Mary Tyler Moore (another of my faves) and there are rumors that, due to poor sales, there isn’t going to be a Season Five set for that series. I’d like to own as much WKRP as possible, and maybe if Fox sees that it sells, they’ll work harder and spend a few more dollars on Season Two. But if it doesn’t sell at all, maybe there’ll never even be a Season Two DVD.

So if you’re against this DVD on principle (which believe me, I understand), I ask that you reconsider based on another principle: WKRP rocks without Foreigner making it rock a tad more. And if you've never seen WKRP at all, get thee to a DVD retailer pronto because none of this crap will make a difference.

Be sure and check out the Morgue WKRP DVD review as well as the other articles I've written on 'KRP by clicking here.

007 in '007: Tomorrow Never Dies

My first viewing of Tomorrow Never Dies was at the Screen on Baker Street Cinema in London. The film premiered in the UK a week before the U.S. and I was lucky enough to be there that week. Being an American, these circumstances were ideal for viewing a Bond flick, and as a result my view’s slightly colored: Dies has always been my favorite Brosnan flick…which isn’t saying much since I’m not wild about the quadrilogy in the first place. Having not seen the movie for several years, I was curious as to whether or not it would hold up.

One aspect of Brosnan’s tenure that’s more noticeable with hindsight is how different each entry is in tone and execution. Tomorrow Never Dies smacks of a good old-fashioned Roger Moore-era outing. It’s the least complicated of Pierce’s movies and moves along with a brisk pace. It’s got some great action scenes, an over-the-top villain and a surprising number of witticisms that don’t fall entirely flat:

Bond: (In bed with a language tutor) “I always enjoyed learning a new tongue.”

Back at MI6, M walks up behind Moneypenny, who’s talking to Bond.

Moneypenny: “You always were a cunning linguist, James.” (To M) “Don't ask.”

M: “Don't tell.”

Yet the wit is about all there is to praise in Bruce Feirstein’s script, because there’s barely any plot and character motivation must have been thrown out the window during what was apparently a very messy writing process. The first half attempts to rectify this with a “GPS encoder”, serving as a handy MacGuffin to distract us from the realization that satirizing the media isn’t enough of a mission to keep a Bond film afloat.

Zee Villain: Jonathan Pryce’s media mogul Elliot Carver is an insane megalomaniac drawn in the old-school Bond tradition; William Randolph Hearst were he alive today with Rupert Murdoch’s power & technology at his disposal. Carver lives by his catchphrase, “Tomorrow’s News Today”, and the idea drives the meager plot. He creates political disasters for the sole purpose of being the first to put them in the headlines. His current scheme involves inciting war between China and the UK, which will in turn give him some kind of media stranglehold -- um, yeah…I don’t really get it either, but since the entire affair harkens back to flicks like You Only Live Twice and The Spy Who Loved Me, perhaps we’re expected to care less than we are to bask in a form of nostalgia.

Back to Pryce…you know, it’s Jonathan Goddamn Pryce. Need this man’s stellar resume even be listed? The guy’s just class and surely has never given a bad performance. He’s played good guys and bad blokes and chaps somewhere in between. He’s been the lead as often as he’s been the supporting player. He plays notes of comedy and drama to perfection, regardless of whether they’re set in past, present or future. He makes us laugh, he makes us cry, and he’s even scared the crap out of us. Jonathan Pryce is one of the most flexible, underrated actors in the business and the fact Carver stands out given how piss poorly he’s drawn is further proof of Pryce’s talent (not that further proof was required). Without Pryce’s antics and line delivery, this film would have no dramatic center.

Les Girls: Before she was a bed-hopping desperate housewife, Teri Hatcher, as the inanely named Paris Carver, soiled the linens of both James Bond and Elliot Carver. It seems Paris has some kind of history with James – something that’s supposed to elevate her above the Bond girl pack. But given what’s shown on-screen, we’d never know it if we weren’t told it. Her limited screentime amounts to wagging eyelashes, a push-up bra and smacking James across the face before falling back into bed with him.

You know what would have worked here? A character/actress from an older Bond movie. Maybe Maryam d’Abo’s Kara Milovy from The Living Daylights? As a concert cellist, she was something of a celebrity and it wouldn’t have been unreasonable for her to fall for Elliot’s charms and vice versa. If we’re to believe Bond’s got a history with a girl, why not give us a history we already know? At least the script never offers up a dreadful spin on “We’ll always have Paris”.

The primary Bond girl in Tomorrow Never Dies is Michelle Yeoh’s (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon) Wai Lin, an agent who’s essentially the Chinese government’s version of Bond (again, reminiscent of The Spy Who Loved Me). Michelle Yeoh is a kick ass babe, and it’s a credit to the script that she never falls into bed with Bond (well, not until the final seconds anyway, which in turn gives us the perfect Roger Moore ending). Unfortunately, like the rest of this film, Wai Lin’s got virtually no character and pretty much amounts to her martial arts skills, which is obviously why Yeoh was hired, despite being nearly as good an actress.

Zee Henchmen: A wasteland of nothingness! In a movie where the main characters are underwritten, it should come as no surprise that the henchman suffer even more horrible fates. Carver’s two primary employees are Stamper (German actor Götz Otto) and Mr. Gupta (illusionist Ricky Jay; why does he have an Indian surname?). The former is the muscle, the latter is the brains. Had the pair been combined into one character, they might’ve amounted to something memorable. Vincent Schiavelli cameos as Dr. Kaufman -- a “professor of forensic medicine” with orders to kill Bond. He makes a bigger impression than the other two guys with only a bad German accent and a few minutes of screentime:

Dr. Kaufman: “My art is in great demand, Mr. Bond. I go all over the world. I am especially good at the celebrity overdose.”

Bond, James Bond: Stop me if you’ve heard this one: The script blows. Bond’s motivation (orders from M notwithstanding) ranges from ridiculous to non-existent, and Brosnan has little to do other than jump from one set piece to the next. He shows little remorse over whatever the hell went down in the past with Hatcher’s Paris, but after her husband has her killed, Bond seems motivated to avenge her death rather than get on with his job. Soon though he forgets Paris, and becomes overprotective of Wai Lin – and with no good reason other than she’s a hot woman whom he has yet to bed (would Bond get so worked up over a male Chinese agent?). Add in the fact that Wai Lin simply doesn’t need Bond looking over her shoulder. She’s more than capable of taking care of herself, until a moment near the finale where she isn’t – a development which degrades both characters. On one occasion Brosnan’s forced to deliver a quip to no audience other than us; this was Moore territory and a gag he mastered -- it feels clunky when Brosnan attempts it. After the meaty script (by comparison) that was Goldeneye, Dies must’ve been a massive disappointment for Brosnan the actor.

Tuneage and Credits Sequence: Even though Maurice Binder’s title sequences didn’t always hit the bullseye, they’re sorely missing from Brosnan’s era and it’s almost painful to see the various stabs at aping his distinctive style. Dies’ titles are about half success, half failure: The parts featuring half-naked women brandishing weapons and marching against fields of X-Ray work pretty well; the stuff featuring computer generated nudity comes across as more creepy than erotic.

The music, however, is a success on every count. Sheryl Crow’s title song (co-written and produced by Mitchell Froom) pays sensual tribute to Carly Simon’s "Nobody Does it Better" and Sheena Easton’s "For Your Eyes Only", while simultaneously dishing up a little something original and right. Composer David Arnold’s excellent work deftly underscores the action and breathes life and mood into areas where there otherwise wouldn’t be any; indeed, it’s possible Arnold contributed more “character” to Tomorrow Never Dies than anyone else. He also wrote “Surrender” -- a bombastic riff on Shirley Bassey sung by k.d. lang over the end credits. If all this musical goodness isn’t enough, the film even crams Moby’s cool, thumping remix of the James Bond Theme into the proceedings.

Writing about its music brings me to the strengths of Tomorrow Never Dies. What the movie lacks in plot and character, it more than makes up for with the thrilling, escapist action and stuntwork that’s become a major hallmark of the franchise. There may be a bit of CGI in the movie, but its carefully hidden and the bulk of the action looks very “real”.

One improbable sequence begins with Bond and Wai Lin, handcuffed together, escaping from the top of a skyscraper by grabbing a giant banner covering the building’s exterior, and tearing it straight down the middle until about halfway down when they crash through a window and into an office full of surprised workers. The scene is humorously punctuated by Elliot’s face emblazoned on the banner! It’s the kind of thing that only Bond movies can pull off and it’s just an intro to an action centerpiece that goes on for an interminable amount of time as the still handcuffed duo steal a motorcycle and are chased by a helicopter into all manner of improbable situations.

Another showcases Bond skydiving into the ocean – replete with scuba gear – opening his chute only several hundred feet before hitting the water. The underwater photography that follows -- Bond swims through the remains of a wrecked submarine (running into Wai Lin along the way!) -- is breathtaking. Yet another fun scene details Bond’s escape from Carver’s lackeys in a parking garage -- by navigating a Q-issued BMW via remote control from the back seat. The car is in turn equipped with more gadgets than any other vehicle in 007 history.

Tomorrow Never Dies shows off some amazing cinematography courtesy of Robert Elswit, and Roger Spottiswoode’s (Stop or My Mom Will Shoot!) direction, all things considered, is pretty damn good. As many criticisms as I’ve launched, it remains my favorite Brosnan flick because it’s an easy watch that miraculously entertains from start to finish. It takes viewers back to a time when we weren’t supposed to take Bond all that seriously. Admittedly, this conflicts with my subjective feelings of where Bond should’ve been in 1997, yet it sidesteps the problem by being a fun movie whose only goal is to entertain. It’s tough to dislike an outing that accomplishes the one thing I really want from 007.

Steal James Bond from Amazon

UPDATED!

Amazon is practically giving away Bond movies at criminally insane prices: Goldfinger, Thunderball, For Your Eyes Only, The Spy Who Loved Me and Goldeneye are selling for $7.99 apiece!!!

And it looks like more are on the way...

This "breaking up of the box sets" must have happened around the time Casino Royale hit DVD, but I didn't notice. I'd heard the films would be available individually sometime this year, and clearly they're now trickling out.

While these aren't the double disc versions available in the box sets, they're still the same transfers and include the commentary tracks. What you get here for $8 a pop is still a pretty sweet bang for your Bond buck - and if you only want to own Goldfinger, you don't also have to buy The World Is Not Enough just to get it.

Status? Highly recommended.

UPDATE: It looks like the prices on these discs are fluctuating a bit - a couple of them have gone up a dollar or two since I posted this earlier this afternoon.

A Doctor Who Christmas in July on Sci Fi

SCI FI Channel announced that it will air the third season of BBC's Doctor Who, beginning in July. The new season will kick off with the Doctor Who Christmas special "The Runaway Bride," guest-starring award-winning British comedy actress Catherine Tate.

In season three, David Tennant returns as the time-traveling Doctor, joined by a new companion, Martha Jones (Freema Agyeman). The first episode of the season is called "Smith and Jones."

In the third season, which is already airing in the United Kingdom, the Doctor and Martha meet William Shakespeare, deal with bloodsucking alien Plasmavores, encounter the Judoon (a clan of galactic stormtroopers) and uncover a Dalek plot in 1930s New York.

The second season of the new Doctor Who earned impressive ratings during its airing on SCI FI, delivering an average of more than 1 million viewers each week.

Doctor Who is produced by Phil Collinson. Executive producers are Julie Gardner, the head of drama, BBC Wales, and Russell T. Davies, who is also lead writer.

"Violence is a very horrible thing!"

(The above title is a quote from A Clockwork Orange.)

Two great pieces on the blogosphere led to this entry.

The first is from Edward Copeland at his Institute for Lower Learning.

The second is from Damian Arlyn's Windmills of My Mind.

Check out their reactions to some of the stuff that's been going on the past couple days in regard to the media and the Virginia Tech tragedy. They've got more to say than my piece, which is just a reaction to issues they both pondered concerning violence in the media and the age-old "chicken and the egg" debate about whether or not violence in film inspires violence in the real world or if it's the other way around.

The way I see it, there are as many different types of filmic violence as there are sex, comedy, animation, etc. But for the purposes of my reaction, I’ll boil it down to 4 categories.

1. The type of violence Hollywood generates the majority of the time is the senseless kind, designed to titillate and thrill - the stuff displayed in most action films and video games. There aren’t any hard consequences from it and it (hopefully) doesn’t register to most as real violence. (Bond movies fall into this category; even Casino Royale --despite its attempts to “make it real”-- still resides here.)

2. Following right behind that is the slasher-type violence seen in horror films (and also in many video games). Again, we’re removed from this stuff because it’s usually perpetrated my some unseen monster with no personality or means of audience identification – and it also helps that we know our characters are set up to be victims anyway, so we invest nothing in them. (This category needs to be separated from #1 because it's typically drenched in blood, whereas #1 is mostly about action.) Oddly, this too is meant to be a form of "fun".

I’d guess that about 95% of all filmic violence falls into one of the above two categories.

3. Quentin Tarantino’s brilliant because he practically created -- or at least honed -- this brand of violence...and almost nobody’s as good at it as he is these days. QT’s violence occurs within his hyperreal, stylized world. Sometimes there are consequences; sometimes not. Sometimes you feel for the victims; sometimes you’re not supposed to. Sometimes you root for the perpetrator; sometimes you fear him or her. But whatever’s going on in a Tarantino film, a strange barrier still separates his world from our reality - worrisome is the notion that some people don't see that barrier. His brand of mayhem could be the most subversive – there’s arguably nothing more potentially dangerous to a weak mind than stylized violence that just looks fucking cool, especially when it's perpetrated by someone the viewer identifies with. Other good examples of this are Kubrick's A Clockwork Orange [1], Fincher's Fight Club and DePalma's Scarface. This category is very specialized and covers a mere 1%.

4. The other 4% is the “ugly violence with hard consequences” category. This is my personal favorite and the one that separates the men from the boys: A man will wince and feel the pain; a boy will laugh and think nothing of it. I enjoy feeling horrible about seeing atrocious acts of screen violence in a similar way to how I enjoy feeling horny as a result of a hot sex scene or laughing my butt off at some well-played slapstick.

Some examples: Dorothy Vallens getting raped by Frank Booth in Blue Velvet. The knifing of Billy Batts in Goodfellas (both in the club and then later in the car). The attack on Parry in The Fisher King. The killing of Honorah at the end of Heavenly Creatures. Pick a scene from a war movie of your choice (Saving Private Ryan, Apocalypse Now, etc.), and it too likely fits in this category: Hard violence that hurts when you watch it -- as violence should and does. The Sopranos sometimes resides in this category, but also frequently dances with Tarantino and #3.

My son – who turns 14 next month – is as potentially “desensitized” to categories 1 & 2 as not only any kid his age, but also as most of us have become. I don't see a problem with that -- it's called growing up. I’ve yet to show him much fare from category 3 because of the potential dangers I outlined above.

Two things I’ve watched with him in the past week fit into category 4: A) A fairly lengthy sequence that closes Season 2, Episode 1 of Twin Peaks, in which snippets of Laura Palmer’s gruesome murder at the hands of Bob are shown in a very jarring manner and B) The movie Deliverance and all the nasty shit that goes down in that 2 hour period. He was disturbed and shocked and felt as one should feel toward the acts of violence he viewed in this fare – even though he full well knows it isn’t “real”.

So my point is that no matter how much carnage we view on our TVs and movie screens, when violence is presented as the horrific act it is, most people --I hope-- react accordingly. It’s difficult for me to swallow the accusation that watching one mindless action pic after another or playing Grand Theft Auto for 12 hours straight is making soulless zombies of us all…unless, of course, we’re beginning to appreciate bad screenwriting as a result – but that’s a different matter entirely.

[1] It's worth mentioning Kubrick's UK-only withdrawal of Clockwork when some copycat attacks occurred back in the '70s.

The Death of Musical Appreciation

UPDATED!

At the time of writing - 11:16 PM CST - the daily IMDB poll nears its close.

The question...

With Sweeney Todd and Hairspray coming soon, which of these post-1970 musicals is your favorite?

The Top 10 votegetters (unlikely to change much before the poll closes):

1. South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut 2887 [votes] (15.3%)

2. Moulin Rouge! 2417 (12.8%)

3. Grease 1942 (10.3%)

4. My love of film does not extend to this particular genre. 1577 (8.4%)

5. The Rocky Horror Picture Show 1472 (7.8%)

6. Chicago 1100 (5.8%)

7. The Phantom of the Opera 1004 (5.3%)

8. Little Shop of Horrors 700 (3.7%)

9. Rent 677 (3.6%)

10. Cabaret 515 (2.7%)

Admittedly, I voted for Rocky Horror. I know it isn't the best of the lot, but its impact on the genre and film as a whole is weighty, and I'd be lying if I pretended the damn thing didn't still give a rush anytime I put it on.

Had I been playing based on quality (i.e. a film that rocked & raised the bar), my vote would've gone to either Moulin Rouge! or Chicago. And I certainly understand why Grease is so high up there. I'm mildly surprised by Little Shop's high placing, but would never argue against it. I've still never seen either Phantom or Rent, but the fact that they made the Top 10 doesn't rattle my cage. And if you don't like Cabaret, then there's something seriously not cool about you.

Heck, I even "get" #4 - some people don't like musicals -- and given that fact, why did so many of you vote for...

SOUTH PARK: BIGGER, LONGER & UNCUT!?!?!

What the fuck, people? Know the box which you should tick.

Hey, I like the movie - I really do. And I long ago accepted that it was indeed a musical. But come on... Number Freaking One?? Get some perspective folks. Move away from your "everything's become so unfunny that the world's just a big joke" mentality and appreciate some beauty from time to time, even if it's in the form of an alien in fishnets or a singing plant.

The remainder of the results for those who care about such things:

Jesus Christ Superstar 493 (2.6%)
The Producers 479 (2.5%)
Newsies 388 (2.1%)
Dancer in the Dark 354 (1.9%)
All That Jazz 325 (1.7%)
Other 315 (1.7%)
1776 311 (1.6%)
Totally High School Musical! 262 (1.4%)
Tommy 261 (1.4%)
Victor/Victoria 260 (1.4%)
Hair 216 (1.1%)
Dreamgirls 172 (0.9%)
Annie 168 (0.9%)
Everyone Says I Love You 157 (0.8%)
Evita 156 (0.8%)
A Chorus Line 115 (0.6%)
8 Women 106 (0.6%)
Pennies from Heaven 42 (0.2%)

UPDATE!

Since cutting and pasting this poll off of IMDB last night, the wording of the poll has been slightly altered -- it now includes the phrase "live action".

While this absolves the poll's omission of the Disney fare Edward Copeland mentioned in the talkback, suddenly the South Park win has become all the more irritating.

Thoughts on a Dark Day

One of the tenets of The Rued Manifesto: "My faith is the belief that humanity far more often than not will do the right thing". Days like today put that faith to the test. It's also days like this that make me wince at the name of this blog. All of a sudden the gag doesn't seem so funny, so bear with me until we hit a brighter day.

The details of exactly what happened at VirginiaTech --or rather why it happened-- are still pretty sketchy. But whatever the shooter's reasoning may have been, it'll sound insane regardless of any eventual explanation. There isn't anything logical about this tragedy. I know that this person must have had big problems and attempted to solve them in all the wrong ways. This person does not represent humanity on the whole. What they did is not what most of us would do even if we had the very same problems.

I was set to go see Grindhouse this afternoon, but simply couldn't bring myself to sit through three hours of imaginary, violent mayhem. Instead I'll sit at home and know that somewhere, two people who otherwise wouldn't have much to say to each other, have been brought together over this incident and are helping ease one another's pain.

Barry Nelson

It would be hollow for me to not mention the passing of Barry Nelson, the first actor to play James Bond onscreen, given the "007 in '007" series I'm doing.

But it'd be equally shitty to pretend it's a big deal to me.

Some guy -- years ago -- gave me a crappy VHS copy of Nelson's Casino Royale that I got less than 10 minutes into before shutting off. The quality sucked. What else can I say?

Other than I'll hunt for it later today, and see if I've still got it. If so, I'll check it out from beginning to end and report back.

Maybe I'm a shithead, but you -- like 99.9% of everyone else -- consider Sean Connery the first James Bond. It's a cruel world out there...and I bet Barry Nelson figured that out a long time ago.

R.I.P., Barry. You were in The Shining....let's not split hairs.

The Sanjaya Factor

This year I jumped onboard the American Idol bandwagon for the first time. Why? A) One of the contestants -- Haley Scarnato -- is from San Antonio, which means that B) Jeanne, being the local TV critic, is currently a slave to this year's March of the Singing Soldiers. I, in turn, chose to be her slave.

Being an Idol virgin of sorts, I'm finally seeing it for the misguided sham I always suspected it might be - only now I have the gory details. I almost feel sorry for these kids who are forced to parade their wares back and forth across the stage every week and then sit on pins and needles the next night, waiting to find out whether or not they're toast...'course they do not until after many words from the people who make the show possible. Almost feel sorry...they took an easier ride to fame & fortune than most, thus sympathy only goes so far.

AI's ugliest feature? Those atrocious Ford commercials the kids have to appear in every week. These little “movies” must take at least a day to shoot – a day the contestants could either be working on their weekly routine or maybe just getting some much-needed rest. Oh man...the legal obligation to suck Satan’s cock (thank you Mr. Hicks) before working your own way to his mighty throne and then deciding for yourself whether or not to kneel. Tragic, I say, tragic!

I’ve tired of Randy Jackson’s “Yo dog!/Listen up!/Check this out!” as each performance winds down. I’ve been denied the Paula Abdul freakshow I’ve heard about for years. Simon Cowell, however, amuses me to no end. I'd prefer Idol if he was the only judge. I’m pretty sure I’d get along with Simon since he's British and I love Doctor Who -- he'd have plenty of ammo for a good time. His “call it like I see it” attitude is admirable, and he isn’t content to let the contestants slide. This guy’s a cupcake compared to what these kids are gonna have to deal with when/if they move into the halls and studios of the recording industry. And Ryan Seacrest is clearly the product of some genetic cloning experiment – he’s too good-looking and gets too much done in a single day to be just one guy. Oh...I'm also tired of the word "pitchy".

But look past the commercial muck & window dressing, see the hard-working contestants, and know that some of 'em are worth the tune-in. Leslie Hunt, the sweet lady I was pulling for, got booted off ages ago. She did a swank rendition of "(You Make Me Feel Like) a Natural Woman" that I still hear in the back of my mind all these weeks later. And her "Feelin' Good" fried my bacon. It's a shame she's gone, but some things are maybe too specialized for Prime Time TV. After Leslie, I had a mild Gina Glocksen fixation, but now she’s gone, too. Hopefully Gina finds her “thang” out there in the fickle music world. It's been too long since we've had a Joan Jett or Chrissie Hynde-inspired rocker babe that wasn't a skank.

As far as SA’s Miss Scarnato goes, she was terrible for the first few weeks. Surely, I predicted, she’d be voted off (and deservedly so) before the Top 12 lap of this journey began? Instead the photogenic Antonella Barba went bye-bye and Haley improved considerably. Two strong back-to-back displays -- Diana Ross’ “Missing You” and The Exciters’ “Tell Him” -- showed what she hadn't been showing. (The latter put her on the Idol radar big time.) Since then she’s given mediocre variations on those perfs and is by no means Idol finalist material. But she’s a trooper, seems to have a good heart and with perseverance and smart management she’ll get some good jobs on Broadway. Two Idol alumnae (Cassie LaBeau & Jonathan Jones) were in my New York City Rhythms play and either would have been a superior contestant, which sorta shows the dodginess of the Idol process. I’m neither for nor against Haley, and all things considered the Alamo City could have been represented by far worse. [The near 9PM (CST) edit: Haley gone! But she left with class...]

And so I come to the ubiquitous Sanjaya Malakar, whom I’ve liked from the moment he auditioned and that’s the truth. He reminded me of Michael Jackson before Jacko went wacko -- which for those who remember that far back is a huge compliment. I really felt for Sanjaya because he seemed like such an underdog – the guy auditioned with his sister (seemingly “just ‘cuz”), thinking she’d have a shot at going to Hollywood long before him. But that didn’t happen and these days his sister, Shyamali, can usually be seen pulling for him in the audience. For the first few weeks Sanjaya’s performances were depressingly mediocre. He knew it and his hangdog vibe said so. Every week when he wasn’t voted off, you could see him feeling bad about it. He knew better singers were exiting in lieu of his je ne sais quoi, and it pained the guy.

But after a while he wised up, dropped the droopy ‘tude and figured out America was voting to keep him on the show. They liked him...and truth be told, what’s not to like? Hell, I like the guy for a half a dozen reasons at this point, and chief among them is his jamming of the wheels of the Idol process. Sanjaya is his own unstoppable machine. He’s the worst thing to happen to the show since William Hung because he’s actually got loads of talent. Well, loads may be an overstatement, but he’s got plenty. Read on…

1. Sanjaya adapts. Week after week, the show trots out some tired theme, and week after week Sanjaya embraces the shift better than anyone else. Randy said to Sanjaya last night, “You’re one of the smartest contestants I’ve ever met”, and he was right.

2. Sanjaya entertains. Even when performing what was arguably his weakest display -- “You Really Got Me” by the Kinks -- he still rocked the goddamn house. Sure there are better singers on the show, but nobody has been as consistently entertaining.

3. Sanjaya is camera friendly. The guy is easy on the eyes and the best looking of the guys…and he knows where the f’in camera is! (At present, he may be the only contestant who does.)

4. Sanjaya has personality. Oh I’m sure the rest of them do too, but you wouldn’t know it based on what they put forth on the show. Sanjaya makes the most of what little screen time he’s got, and manages to throw down something worth noticing each week. Admittedly, his ego may be a tad out of control at this point, but hey, the way I look at it he’s readying himself for his future as a pop star.

5. Sanjaya’s hair. See 1 thru 4 above for more info.

6. Sanjaya can sing. Yes, he can. He can’t sing everything, but who can? Name me a singer that covers any and all genres of music. Idol contestants have off weeks because no singer can cover all ground. A big part of becoming a star is finding your niche. Sanjaya is on the way to finding his, and a big part of it is just being Sanjaya.

Sanjaya Malakar deserves to win American Idol because he is an American idol (nobody else on the show even comes close). Good thing he doesn’t have to win, given the win-win situation he's already in.

Simon insists Idol is a “singing competition”. I disagree; if it were, it’d play on the radio. Look no further than Britney Spears (for example) to see that singing is neither the beginning nor the end of what America demands of its idols. If the show were only about singing, its success rate would be higher; consider the various fates of those who’ve won or come close to winning. It takes dozens of factors – many of which cannot be calculated -- to make an idol. Bob Dylan never would have made it past the Idol audition stage. And neither would Janis Joplin.

Perhaps American Idol will learn a valuable lesson from Sanjaya – judging the contestants on vocal ability alone is not the way America will vote. Besides, any moderately decent singer can be made to sound fan-friggin'-tastic in the recording studio. On the other hand, maybe Idol doesn’t care to learn a lesson, maybe they just want to continue selling ad time to Ford and Coke – which Sanjaya’s been undeniably good for. Ultimately, in this pop culture, dollars make idols before voices do. I preached a version of this rant to my pal Bart recently and he said if he had a time machine, he'd travel back ten years and play my words for the 25-year old Ross, and the dude would refuse to believe it came from the future-him. Bart makes a good point, but sooner or later the ugly truth of the dollar must also be acknowledged.

But so must the entertainment factor. Sanjaya, at the time of writing, is safe once again. I do not know when or if he'll go, but if he does, this show's entertainment value will drop quicker than a tab of acid on Tim Leary's waiting tongue.

I’d bankroll Sanjaya in a heartbeat and become a millionaire in less than six months. And I’m not whistling Dixie -- I’ve got a creative strategy that will work, and it’s bigger, better and a hell of a lot more fun than anything any pop star’s done in years. Interested investors are welcome to inquire at lynchnut at gmail dot com and we’ll take it to the phones, airplanes and boardrooms from there. I bet Coke will help pay the bills.

When the Sheik Hits the Fan(s)

It's with no small amount of pride that I link to frequent Morgue commentator Sheik Yerbootie's debut at The House Next Door.

The Sheik came out of the gate today and bombed the House with not one, but two pieces.

The first is titled "Wizard of the unexplained: The Dresden Files", and it's a fair breakdown of the SciFi TV series versus the Jim Butcher book series it's based on.

The second is Yerbootie's contribution to Sopranos week at the House. It's called "A Contrarian Opinion" and is a must read.

Good work, Tom!

007 in '007: Piercing Brosnan

“Pierce Brosnan was the Greatest Hits of James Bond.”

I’ve used that line so many times even I’m tired of hearing it, and yet here it is once again for posterity’s sake.

The reality, though, is that it’s the truth, and was eventually confirmed in Brosnan’s exit from the franchise, Die Another Day -- which actually was Bond’s Greatest Hits.

Now before going further it must be understood – I’ve got nothing against Pierce as an actor. He’s an underappreciated talent who came into the role of a lifetime amidst a rebirth. Pierce Brosnan is probably the only actor to accept the part of James Bond with a near-universal acceptance from fans -- without even having seen him play it yet. Who didn’t want to see him handle a Walther PPK and flirt with Miss Moneypenny? Had any other actor – regardless of their talent - been cast in Goldeneye, I have grave doubts the series would’ve survived, as it'd been steadily losing steam in the public eye since around A View to a Kill. Pierce Brosnan, in the public consciousness, fit Bond like a glove so snugly, that upon Goldeneye’s release people flocked to see him play the part he was born to play – not to see a new James Bond film.

Unfortunately some realized dreams are too perfect, and due to Albert Broccoli’s failing health, producing duties fell upon his children Michael G. Wilson and Barbara Broccoli. I can only speculate that they were skittish about where to take the franchise and as a result took it nowhere. On one of the DVD supplementary discs, Wilson says something honestly profound: “Every time we do one of these [Bond films], we set out to make another From Russia With Love, but end up making another Thunderball.”

Brosnan’s era is marred by crowd-pleasing action scenes, crappy one-liners and boring gadgetry. His four entries contain everything we’d seen before, often miraculously taken to even more predictable levels. There’s rarely a fresh display and when there is it succeeds only about half the time. Amidst the entire spectacle --if you look close enough-- you’ll see Brosnan sinking in the quicksand, gasping for fresh air...and Pierce is such a pro that you gotta read between the lines to see the struggle.

But why take my word for it? Read what the man himself says on the subject (courtesy of his IMDB page):

Brosnan: "It never felt real to me. I never felt I had complete ownership over Bond. Because you'd have these stupid one-liners - which I loathed - and I always felt phony doing them. I'd look at myself in the suit and tie and think, 'What the heck am I doing here?' Such sentiments were nothing new. That was always the frustrating thing about the role. Producers Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson play it so safe. The pomposity and rigmarole that they put directors through is astounding ... I can do anything I want to do now. I'm not beholden to them or anyone. I'm not shackled by some contracted image."

Now in all fairness to Wilson and Broccoli, where’s the real harm in playing it safe (especially with a franchise built on formula)? The Brosnan films did quite nicely at the box office and delivered what the public wanted from James Bond…but then again the public doesn’t seem particularly ambitious in their dramatic expectations of this series. If they were, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service would be near the top of everyone’s list of faves.

Brosnan: "[Wilson and Broccoli are] too scared. They feel they have to top themselves in a genre which is just spectacle and a huge bang for your buck. But I think you can have your cake and eat it. You can have real character work, a character storyline and a thriller aspect and all kinds of quips, asides, the explosions and the women. We're just saturated with too many overblown action films with no plot. That's ludicrous. It's so damn crazy! That's absolutely sheer lunacy because Casino Royale is the blueprint of the Bond character. You find out more about James Bond in that book than in any of the other books. I would love to do a fifth Bond and then bow out, but if this last one is to be my last, then so be it. My contract is up. They can do it or not."

Sometimes I wonder exactly how much influence Brosnan’s opinions eventually had on the franchise.

The public doesn’t often recognize quality until they're beaten over the head by it. Casino Royale has proven to be that rare Bond film which resonates with both critical and financial success. Why the producers finally chose to no longer play it safe I’m unsure, but it’s a good thing they altered strategies as the movie is where Bond should’ve been taken if not at the beginning of Brosnan’s era, at least somewhere along the way. Again, to be fair, he was thrown the occasional bone here and there (the complexity of The World is Not Enough, the first 20 minutes of Die Another Day), but never was he given the full, bloodied carcass. I liked Casino Royale immensely, but all this talk of Daniel Craig being “the best Bond ever” is a bunch of hooey. He’s fantastic in the role and unquestionably a great Bond for this day and age, but remove the origin aspects of the very same script, and Pierce would’ve steamrolled Daniel in two shakes of a martini.

The proof is in The Matador, which is as much of a revisionist Bond film beneath, as Casino Royale is on the surface. I’ve spoken before of my love for The Matador, and have found it a more rewarding film with each successive viewing. It isn’t so much a slice of where James Bond should be, as a spin on (to quote myself again) “where Bond ends up when Her Majesty no longer requires his secret services”. Brosnan’s Julian Noble may be his finest acting ever, and I’ve come to even see it as his unofficial fifth Bond film. It should be required viewing for anyone who’s seen his 007 entries.

Is it a shame Pierce didn’t get to do Casino Royale? Maybe. And if it is, it’s mostly a shame for Pierce himself, who – more than any other Bond -- deserved to go out with a bang bang. This is a guy who’s been a version of James since starting Remington Steele in 1982. His entire career led up to the job, and when he finally got it, the plan didn’t go as it should have.

So this entry stands as a disclaimer: When I start picking apart Brosnan’s flicks for the 007 in '007 series, any barbs aimed at the lead actor are rooted in feelings about his tenure as a whole. Yet my age and experience with this franchise betrays another truth -- for a certain generation of people, Pierce Brosnan is James Bond, and that can never be taken away from him.

Janice: The Appreciation

Sopranos Week is ongoing at The House Next Door. My humble offering declares my loving hatred of the dame who gets no fan love: Janice.

The “villains” of The Sopranos are the weak, the predictable and the easily led. Identifying a hero on the show requires noting some kind of moral fiber that elevates a character above the pack. If you buy that equation, Janice is a true villain because she's completely amoral -- a totally expedient character.

Check out the rest of "Janice will be Janice" at The House Next Door.

BBC America set to Regenerate

According to a BBC America press release "...the entire channel is undergoing a 'radical makeover' later this year. The channel will now focus exclusively on bringing U.S. audiences the very best in contemporary British programs..."

Amidst the proposed slate are numerous noteworthy programs on their "Supernatural Saturdays" lineup: "...a world of science fiction and paranormal events where nothing is what it seems. In a BBC AMERICA co-production, James Nesbitt stars as Jekyll in a modern re-telling of the classic tale of scientific misadventure. And from the creators of Doctor Who, spin-off series Torchwood, follows a team of modern day investigators as they use sci-fi technology to solve crimes in both alien and human worlds. Returning series include all-new seasons of time-travelling Life on Mars, spine-chilling Hex and sci-fi favorite Doctor Who."

Great news about Torchwood, which chronicles the adventures of Captain Jack Harkness (John Barrowman) in present day Cardiff. I've been wondering where and when it would show up over here, as the production values of the show are too strong for America to pass on (not to mention the built-in audience it'll get from Doctor Who). Speaking of the Doctor, what falls under the banner of "all-new seasons"? Season Two is a probability, but will BBC America, rather than Sci Fi, play Season Three? I haven't heard a peep out of Skiffy lately as to when Season Three might show up on their schedule.

Lastly, Jekyll is something to which I've looked forward since first hearing about it -- it's exec produced & written by Steven Moffat, the genius behind "The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances" as well as "The Girl in the Fireplace". And then there's Coupling...there's always Coupling. Jekyll's quality is nearly guaranteed.

WKRP on DVD...Finally

UPDATED - Apr.1st (Not an April Fools Joke to the best of my knowledge.)

Something Old, Something New reports on the music changes made to the WKRP First Season Box set...and it ain't pretty, folks. Assuming the report is correct, it pretty much negates the rest of this entry (which was written several months ago), and I doubt I'll be picking up the set as a result.

Yes, ladies and gents, the moment is right around the corner. Check out the official press release at TVShows on DVD.com. "The Complete First Season" set has been on the drawing boards since early December, but I didn't want to write an entry until it was officially confirmed by Fox.

My love for all things WKRP in Cincinnati has been evident for quite some time (well...maybe not all things). Last year I ranted and raved and pleaded to the unnamed powers that be to sort out the problems surrounding a theoretical DVD release -- namely the music licensing issues.

Certainly any WKRP DVD set has got to better than no WKRP DVD set, and yet I'm forced to reserve total judgment and/or utter excitement until sitting down and view it on April 24th. The one issue conspicuously absent from the press release is any mention of the dreaded music licensing issues. Even the usually meticulous Gord Lacey of TVShowsonDVD has only addressed the issue once, and that was back on 12/11, when the site reported: "...there will be music substitutions...the studio has spent a lot of time with a music supervisor to ensure that the replaced songs fit the show. [WKRP creator] Hugh Wilson...thought Fox did a good job."

Additionally, the Wikipedia entry on WKRP gives the situation a considerably more positive spin: "While the DVD set will include the original music that the current syndicated version lacked, there will be some musical substitutions, but Fox has tried hard to keep the music within the spirit of the original song used in the scenes where music must be replaced."

I haven't been able to find any more information on the issue, and I'm starting to believe fans won't know anything for sure until April 24th. If any reader finds something more detailed, please post a link in the comments section of this article or e-mail me at lynchnut at gmail dot com.

Regardless, I'm more than willing to give this set a chance and will be the first in line to buy a copy, as it's something I'd pretty much given up on ever happening. At least Fox isn't just trotting out the atrociously edited syndicated versions. If you are a WKRP fan, I urge you to support this release so the other three seasons can also see the light of day. If you've never seen WKRP, buy it anyway. You're in for a treat. What other series features dialogue like this?:

(after an elderly couple has broken into the DJ booth)

Dr. Johnny Fever: "All right you two - up against the wall! I don't know what you want here but I think you should know I've killed a lot of old people in my time...and I'm not above doing it again."

The Brew That is True

From The Court Jester.

Note the presence of Jessica Fletcher and Kevin Spacey's mother from The Ref.

Hazzard-ous Thinking

“How’d you like to spend the night in the Morgue?” – One of them Duke boys to the other.

Yes, The Rued Morgue has hit an all-time low by pontificating on not only The Dukes of Hazzard, but also a straight-to-DVD Hazzard movie. It’s not too late to back out if you choose.

Like many a dude my age, I spent a lot of time watching the Duke boys thwart Boss Hogg and Sheriff Rosco back in the late ‘70s and early ‘80s. Now don’t get me wrong – I didn’t enjoy those countless misspent hours, but the show was sandwiched between The Incredible Hulk and Dallas. What was I to do? Friday night TV was all about that CBS block of programming and I was just goin’ with the flow. (Check out this programming grid from 1980 to see the even lamer alternatives. Bear in mind – I was 9.)

And so two years ago prevailing nostalgia mixed with a smattering of grim fascination led me to the movie theatre with buddy Bart (who’s my age and went through the same routines back in the day) and then 12-year old son Jake (for whom I’d screened a few of the TV installments so he’d have an idea of what not to expect). What might Jessica Simpson bring to the legacy of Dukedom? Needless to say, both Bart and I were totally annoyed by the entire affair. What was mildly surprising is that even Jake, based on what little he’d seen of the original, thought the retread was weak.

The real problem with that film is a matter of simple character dynamics. It ignored the basic formula that worked for years: Bo, Luke and Daisy Duke (John Schneider, Tom Wopat and Catherine Bach), despite being good ol’ country bumpkins, were actually pretty sharp individuals. Their smarts and skills came in handy when foiling the typically ridiculous plans of Boss Hogg (Sorrell Booke) and Sheriff Coltrane (James Best) – both of whom were comical numbnuts[1].

The movie reversed this entirely by making the Dukes a couple of idiotic buffoons – presumably to play up on the comedic “talents” of stars Seann William Scott & Johnny Knoxville. By contrast, Burt Reynolds’ Hogg and M.C. Gainey’s Coltrane were ruthless villains who weren’t even remotely amusing or fun to watch. The third of the film’s offenses was the recreation of Daisy into a vapid bimbo who had only one thing to rely on—wait a minute…make that two things. If you were ever any kind of Hazzard devotee, chances are you hated this film, too. But I don’t think the movie was made for people like me. Indeed the casting suggests otherwise and the film’s box office take (over $80 mill!) and popularity proved that you can’t keep a good Duke down, no matter how shitty the material.

Which leads me to the straight-to-DVD prequel, unoriginally titled The Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning. Hopefully you are wondering: Did he actually rent this shitty movie and if so, why? Yes I did and because two words hit like lightning bolts to the head upon seeing the DVD cover: Blog Entry.

But it turns out that The Beginning is not really a shitty movie -- or least not nearly as shitty as its predecessor, a fact that quite frankly floored me. Its overall tone has far more in common with the original series and it’s actually got the vague semblance of something that looks like a script, which is about the most that can be asked given the material that inspired it.

It mind-bogglingly gets some things very correct. One of them is the casting of Harland Williams as Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane. If you know Harland Williams, you know that there’s no way in Hazzard Hell his Coltrane is anything like M. C. Gainey’s -- an actor, by the way, whom I generally (General Lee?) like. But I like Harland for very different reasons and he was an inspired choice, although he’s admittedly something of an acquired taste. He’s a weird comic actor whose shtick is pretty much unlike anyone else’s (one of his great performances was the whacked-out hitchhiker Ben Stiller picked up in There’s Something About Mary and before that there was Half Baked…). If you like Williams, you will like his Coltrane, regardless of whatever else you may think of the movie. It may even be worth the price of admission alone to watch him attempt all manner of weirdness whilst perpetually holding onto a basset hound puppy (the young Flash), and a DVD bonus feature centered around Williams may be more entertaining than the movie itself.

Second on the roster of semi-rightness is April Scott’s Daisy Duke. Unlike what was written for Simpson she actually has (gasp!) a character with which to work. As this is an origin story of sorts, Daisy’s supposed to be virginal and chaste in the first half -- which is portrayed in the typically banal Hollywood fashion of dressing her in loose-fitting clothing, pony-tailed hair and nerdy eyeglasses, all of which completely fail to disguise the hottie-in-waiting beneath. When she finally dons her tight-fittin’ jeanshorts, the results owe far more to Catherine Bach than the ex-Mrs. Lachey. Make no mistake – Scott’s in no danger of having to carve out time to polish an Oscar in the foreseeable future, but then again Bach was hardly Meryl Streep. Daisy is as Daisy does and at least this Daisy’s got long brown locks to match her long tanned legs. Those hoping to get a glimpse of Scott in the buff will have to look elsewhere.

Joel Moore’s Cooter bears no resemblance to Ben Jones’ character from the series, and yet I couldn’t help but dig on what this guy was doing. He’s projects a genuine sort of "redneck eccentricity" and delivers dialogue that would’ve fallen flat coming out of a lesser actor’s mouth. You might remember Moore as the main character’s best bud Bardo in Art School Confidential. I’ve not seen much of this guy’s other work, but I predict he’s headed for much bigger places within the next couple years.

So where does the film go wrong? The movie smacks of two film worlds colliding: Hazzard county circa 1981 were it invaded by a sorority party from your average modern teen sex comedy. I viewed the unrated version, which features a fair amount of exposed tit and ass, none of which advance the “plot”. Normally I’d say the more the merrier, but in this case it smacks of gratuitousness. I’d hazard a guess that the R-rated version is actually a better Dukes movie if you’re looking for fare that might take you back in time rather than keeping you in the here and now. But if you're just looking for rampant, exposed sweater meat, you should probably check out the unrated cut.

In between what the movie gets right and wrong is everything else. Relative unknowns Jonathan Bennett and Randy Wayne play Bo and Luke respectively (and a quick glance at their IMDB profiles oddly reveals their hair colors were reversed for the movie). They’re both just sorta there, and do what they’re called upon to do, which is be Duke boys. It’s too easy to romanticize what Schneider and Wopat did back in the day, and such idealization only comes from years of amassed screentime. These new guys get all of 90 minutes to make an impression -- at their best they help erase the stink of the Bo and Luke from the theatrical outing.

Christopher McDonald, forever cast as the smarmy asshole, plays a decent Hogg. His portrayal exists in a sort of neverwhere between Reynolds and Booke: sometimes he’s ruthless and smart and other times he’s a total boob. He’s at least been given a bit of tubby padding to accentuate his Hoggness, however I remain stymied by the continued failure to just cast a fat guy in the role. Surely this is a no-brainer, right? Perhaps the biggest surprise was the presence of little Miss Audrey Horne herself, Sherilyn Fenn, as Hogg’s oversexed MILF of a wife Lulu who subs for Stifler's Mom. I’d be tempted to apply “What a desperate actor will do for money” to Fenn, if not for the fact Willie Nelson wins that award. Uncle Jesse is the lone link to the '05 movie -- proof that anyone can get Willie for their movie if the price is right.

Above all else, due credit’s got to be given to screenwriter Shane Morris, whose IMDB resume reveals the film as his only credit. The guy is either a fan or did a fair amount of homework and for the most part gets the series’ mythology (so to speak) right. In fact, one of the script’s twists involves the reveal of the concealed lineage of a particular character – but viewers who know their Duke trivia will see it coming. (It cannot be stressed enough exactly how low my expectations were going into this thing.) He also peppers the script with one down home colloquialism after another – some work, some don’t, but he probably did his best given what he had to work with. I’d imagine most of the titty action was even shoehorned into the script over the course of various meetings with producers and the like, as it tends to lack the focus of the rest of the movie.

[1] An inane, useless, “allow me to split the world into two categories” theory: There are two types of people who watched The Dukes of Hazzard – the type who tuned in for Bo, Luke and Daisy and the type who tuned in for the amazing comic double-act of Hogg and Rosco; I was always in the second category. It’s possible there’s a third category who tuned in for the plots, but I’d like to believe natural selection has taken care of them and they no longer exist.

And now, for those of you who've stuck with me through this ordeal, here's a completely gratuituous shot of April Scott sans her Daisy Dukes:


(I hunted for sexy pics of Harland Williams for the ladies, but alas they were nowhere to be found.)

The Rued Manifesto

UPDATED!

The cats at Liverputty are currently inviting select bloggers to submit "manifestos", which strikes me as brave and bold given where it could end up. (I expect government intervention at any time.) The concept is as it sounds:

manifesto, n.: A public declaration of principles, policies, or intentions, especially of a political nature.

Wagstaff created the first Manifesto over a year ago. It stood strong, proud and solitary for ages -- mostly, I believe, because it intimidated the crap out of anyone who read it.

Earlier this month The Dude, feeling crushed for nearly 12 months by the sheer weight of Wag's mantra, unveiled a whole new way of living life on this sordid rock.

Days later, EscutcheonBlot provided a European point of view. E.B. predicted stupid American after another would chime in. As ideas are global and all, this was a wise move.

By now, momentum had built and the blogosphere was reaching a boiling point.

And then a certain solid waste hit a certain spinning device attached to a certain ceiling when -- yep, you guessed it: The Odienator told it like it really was. If you are reading this at work and can't afford public embarrassment, I recommend checking out Odie's thoughts at home. There you can self-flagellate in private, finally seeing the error of your many ways, bitch.

On Monday, Edward Copeland seemingly announced, "Fuck this. You guys haven't a clue" by inferring everyone else had been far too lenient in their declarations. There are many lessons you've yet to learn, grasshopper; I'll save you the trouble on one: Don't screw with Ethel Merman fans -- ever.

Thinking I might provide a pompous document worth heckling or poking varieties of holes into, and a talkback that could appear impressive due to my pathetic, numerous rebuttals, Liverputty invited yours truly to join the project.

Today The Rued Manifesto makes its debut at Liverputty. Personally, I think it's soft and flabby compared to those who laid the groundwork. My biggest problem is that I'm too nice a guy and I let everyone slide (which I realize as I type, should have been part of the Manifesto).

You dear readers are my judge and jury -- but take serious issue with anything I have to say[1], and you're invited to piss off and get your free entertainment from either FoxNews or Rotten.com...'cuz last time I checked your name wasn't on any paycheck to be found in my mailbox.

Cherish or ignore it (I don't give a fuck either way): behold The Rued Manifesto.

UPDATED!

The latest from the Liverputty Manifestival...

Charlie Parsley's Menufesto: Read the most bizarre manifesto yet -- the one to which I could only respond "Baz Luhrmann needs to write a tune to go along with [this]".

Jeffrey's Manifesto: King Liverputty himself has finally taken the leap. Most fascinating is the intro -- a breakdown of each previous manifesto into percentages of what he agreed and disagreed with along the way! The Rued Manifesto scored "Agree – 55%; Disagree – 26%; Don’t Know – 19%" on the Jeffometer; Parsley's Menufesto, however, scored a Disagree - 100%!

Lastly, be sure to check out the comments section of this entry to see Sheik Yerbootie's Manifesto, which contains this priceless gem: Watching movies in a theatre is an exercise in futility. Oh, the horror!!!

[1] The "Aunt Bee" comment is negotiable.

Wet Pussy in Heat

I have a burning desire that's really more of a cruel mean streak: I crave the exciting rush of dousing a neighborhood cat in heat with a pail of cold water. Any horny cat will do.

We have them all the time around our house, usually late at night. Presumably they hang around our place because of our cats. I don't know much about horny cats - can they even tell if other cats they're crying at are male or female? (I've got one of each outside and a third male who's totally indoor.) Because ours are all fixed they tend to somewhat quizzically stare at these screeching creatures. When confronted by these obnoxious beasts, my cats think, "Get over yourself" or "I'm not the 'droid you're looking for". I suspect that even they would love to see me fulfill my wet dream.

And believe me, I've tried. But cats in heat are more skittish than your average cat, and no matter how hard I've tried or to what lengths I've gone -- preparing pans full of water, carrying them out in to the night with a flashlight in the other hand -- I always fucking miss. Sure, they go away after mission impossible has failed yet again, but that's clearly not enough for me.

Understand, I am not intrinsically a cruel man and obviously I'm a massive cat lover...well, I love my cats anyway. Cats are like kids: You love and adore your own and want the world for them, but most everyone else's are big pains in the ass and not even remotely charming or cute.

The Morgue is now taking suggestions as to how I can accomplish my mission. Please don't suggest the water hose. That would be cheating -- like gunning down a deer with a .22 rifle. The pail and water is my bow and arrow, you see. There's a certain amount of skill involved here and after years of failure, I want to bask in a feeling of well-deserved success.

Planet Earth on Discovery

Tonight the Discovery Channel broadcasts the first 3 episodes of the 11-part BBC produced series, Planet Earth, narrated by Sigourney Weaver.

Just. Tune. In.

I get into nature documentaries about as much as the next guy, but since Jeanne received her review copies a couple weeks ago, this thing has become an obsession for me. Luckily she wrote a fantastic review for the 'Spress-News, so I don't have to. "Luckily" I say because the series tends to leave me speechless. I'm not sure how to put into words the sheer number of mind-boggling sights that have been captured by High-Def cameras for this series -- you kinda just have to tune in and see them for yourself. (The series plays on Discovery HD Theater as well, so if you've got that channel, you know what to do.)

The image above is from the "Caves" episode. It's a diver exploring an underwater cave in Mexico and the still photo doesn't do justice to the moving images you'll actually see in that sequence. Click here for an episode guide and schedule for all five weekends. (Even though it isn't listed, I think Discovery may do an all-day marathon of the series on Apr. 22nd leading up to the last two installments.)

A DVD box set available in standard def as well as both HD DVD & Blu-Ray is set for release on Apr. 24th. It will contain all manner of cool extra footage, but it will also be the original BBC version which was narrated by David Attenborough.

So if you're a fan of Ms. Weaver, the Discovery broadcasts may be your only chance to hear her spin on the narration.

Doctor Who: Animating The Invasion

George Lucas continually tinkers around with his Star Wars movies. Paramount recently began revamping the effects work for each episode of classic Star Trek. Now it’s Doctor Who’s turn to present its take on reimagining the past.

Two weeks ago saw the milestone R1 DVD release of the 1968 story "The Invasion". The 8-part serial has been missing the visuals for a fourth of its episodes – Parts One & Four – since the BBC scrapped huge chunks of the Doctor’s ‘60s adventures years ago. Why you may ask? Nobody foresaw the eventual resale value of the series, and back in the day Auntie Beeb wasn’t all that keen on reruns. Thankfully, obsessive Whovians date back to the beginning, when pockets of industrious fans presciently recorded the show’s audio every Saturday afternoon.

Enter animation house Cosgrove Hall, cleaned-up fan-recorded audio tapes, and a current demand for Doctor Who surpassing any other period in the Time Lord’s long history: "The Invasion" is complete once again – six episodes of crisp, restored black & white goodness interspersed with two animated episodes that are as close to what’s missing as anyone can currently hope to see.

"The Invasion" was an ideal selection for the experiment.

For starters, it features the Cybermen, and since the Senators of Steel have enjoyed a resurgence, they’re an obvious draw for people looking to feed their Who addiction. Furthering that logic, "The Invasion" was a huge inspiration for the recent "Rise of the Cybermen/The Age of Steel" two-parter, which restored the Mondasian Marchers to their former glory.

Also, it’s a pretty damn good yarn -- which is no faint praise for a tale clocking in at nearly 3 ½ hours. Yet any ‘60s TV sci-fi of that duration must have problematic areas, right? The events encompassing the first four episodes could easily fit into half the running time. As a result, animating Episodes One and Four elevates material that might be considered a tad sluggish into something new and exciting -- and the kicker is that they’re animated in black & white! By the time a Cyberman bursts from its cocoon for Part Four’s cliffhanger, the proceedings kick into a higher gear and the final four parts move with a pretty intense momentum (well, by late-‘60s Who standards anyway).

Lastly, any excuse to serve eight episodes of Patrick Troughton on silver platters is more than OK by me. Back when the BBC took to scrapping ‘60s Who, Troughton’s era was hit the hardest: Only a single story ("The Tomb of the Cybermen") from his first two seasons exists in its entirety. His third and final season, however, exists as nearly complete[1], and this DVD brings the season that much closer to its original dramatic vision.

The story in brief: The Doctor and Co. arrive in present-day London (i.e. the late ‘60s/early ‘70s), realize a corporation called International Electromatics is up to no good (similar to Cybus Industries from the recent two-parter), and before long Cybermen are popping up all over the place. The most notable difference from the David Tennant outing (aside from the lack of an alternate universe setting) is IE’s head honcho, Tobias Vaughn (superbly played by Kevin Stoney): Unlike John Lumic, he isn’t creating Cybermen, but rather working with them to take over Earth. When the plan sours, Vaughn dedicates his final actions toward revenge against the “uninteresting metal men” [2]. The story also set up the Jon Pertwee-era template by reintroducing Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart (Nicholas Courtney), unveiling UNIT and testing the waters for a series set in a contemporary Earthbound setting – it could be argued that it’s a major ancestor of the current series. "The Invasion" paved the way for ‘70s Doctor Who and as such is something of a benchmark.

Due to the massive success of this DVD (it sold bucketloads in the UK), many a fan is calling for more -- and with good reason: If this was the test run, then the sky’s the limit. There’s no reason the other 106 missing episodes couldn’t, over time, be animated in the same manner. Indeed, many feel "The Invasion’s" animated segments engage more than the original taped episodes! One can only assume the Cosgrove Hall team (as well as Mark Ayres’ exceptional audio restorations) will only get better as they move forward[3].

I’d like to see a few more trial runs via completing stories that exist in "Invasion"-like limbos before aiming for completely lost epics such as "The Power of the Daleks" or "Marco Polo". The next logical choice would be "The Tenth Planet" -- William Hartnell’s final story. The four-parter introduced the Cybermen to the series and lacks only one episode: Part Four -- in which the Doctor regenerated for the very first time; the Cosgrove Hall animators would have a field day with that sequence.

The problem with a lot of ‘60s Who is that it’s often very slow. I challenge anyone to watch all six episodes of "The Seeds of Death" without at some point screaming at their TV, “Get the fuck on with it already!!” There are even parts of "The Invasion" that could benefit from some simple audio editing. As wonderful as "The Invasion" results are, what would viewing an entire animated adventure feel like? A unique situation has arisen.

Let’s take, for instance, Troughton’s "Fury from the Deep" – six episodes, all lost and considered a missing classic. I once tried to listen to an audiotape release and admittedly didn’t get all the way through it (but the novelization rocked!). Would animating a nearly 2 ½ hour serial be the thrill ride it sounds? 2 ½ hours with pacing dictated by low-budget ‘60s TV constraints?? This is borderline heresy, but what if the audio was edited into a tighter form retaining the meat of the material and was then animated? What if "Fury from the Deep" was better with a 1 hour and 45 minute running time? One of many ongoing jokes about old Doctor Who involves the endless running around corridors. Episodes had to be 25 minutes, and sometimes padding was required to make the half hour each week. Why animate corridor scenes with banal dialogue? Why not cut [to] the chase? Because then you’re mucking about with a legacy, and there’ll inevitably be an uproar when somebody (or likely many bodies) shouts that history is being rewritten. But isn’t animating this stuff in the first place already a rewrite of sorts? How about the cost of animating minute upon minute of boring filler material? What about the probability that it may actually be more cost effective to produce a better and more engaging story with a shorter running time?

Animating the missing "Invasion" parts in black & white and in full was a smart first move – they match the other six episodes, offer up the nearest to what's been lost and please all but the most anal fan. But when it comes time to animate a full story, why not go for color? (It’s hardly comparable to Turnerizing It’s a Wonderful Life.) Is that too messing with history?

Another classic in need of an overhaul is Hartnell’s "The Celestial Toymaker" (Michael "Alfred" Gough guests as the titular baddie), a four-parter missing its first three installments. Here’s a story that not only begs to be animated in color, but should probably even have its final episode animated as well (present the original Part Four as an “extra”). Why view three episodes of slick cartoons only to end on a clunky black and white finale? Where does reverence for original material end and presenting the most engaging DVD begin?

This animating of missing Doctor Who has opened up a slew of possibilities that all need to be explored before just going for the obvious slavish devotion to history. And with eyes focused on the future, what exactly is history? Aren’t all the missing episodes currently (in the slang usage of the term) “history”?

[1] Aside from the two missing parts of "The Invasion", Troughton’s final season lacks only five episodes of the six-parter "The Space Pirates". Based on the narrative quality of Part Two (recently released in the "Lost in Time" DVD collection), we aren’t missing out on much.

[2] Credit due to Sheik Yerbootie for the phrase “uninteresting metal men”. I’ve been unable to shake the description since he first coined it.

[3] Credit must also be given to The Restoration Team (of which Mark Ayres is a member). Without all the fine work these guys have done restoring Doctor Who episodes from all eras to their former glory, it’s doubtful this animated revolution would even be happening. Further details on the DVD release of "The Invasion" can be found on their site.