Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Girl, You'll Be a Woman...Never

A couple days ago CMT was doing a marathon of the program “The Ultimate Coyote Ugly Search”, and I was flipping channels, came across it, and realized the San Antonio episode was playing. So the remote control rested and my brain began the fermentation process.

This is what we’ve become, eh? I gotta give credit to Ugly founder Liliana Lovell (pictured). Her true talent - despite what the photo may lead you to believe - is in how she turned bullshit into an empire. Did you know that “being a Coyote is all about making the transition from girl to womanhood”? She tells the hopefuls variations on this theme over and over.

Really, Lil? Here I thought the Coyotes were essentially a bunch of glorified pole-dancers. Not so! This is all about – in the fabled words of Helen Reddy – “I am woman, hear me roar!”

But it’s not…not really. It’s more like “I am slutty, so down this shot and I’ll take your money.” Or “Look at me shake my ass as I slide that twenty out of your wallet.” Could even be “These tits will never be yours but I’ll give you the illusion they could be…if you weren’t a fat, smelly beer-guzzling letch.”

The show purports to give these girls a shot at realizing a dream, when all it really wants to do is dish up the same cheap thrills that any other random reality series is built on. Think “American Idol” only without the pedigree.

But perhaps Lil is woman – hear her roar! She’s taken two of the most easily and oft exploited aspects of American culture – tits & ass – given it her own personal touch, and made a swank killing off the entire affair.

We’re used to men exploiting women. I mean, it’s “ze vay of ze vorld”…but a woman exploiting women? Oh so few have the right plan to pull it off, but Lovell has realized her own dream in doing just that. Her plan is an insidious, vile creature. When men exploit women, they’re not so smart. They just do it and it’s an understood sort of thing: “Hey I get what I want and she gets a little cash and a little fame.”

But Lil’s brand of exploitation is far more dangerous. She convinces women that this is right and proper – that selling stupid guys shots and taking their money is what being a woman is all about. Now I am not a woman, but I've spent plenty of time with women in my lifetime, and I don't believe I know any who aim for this level of unsophistication.

In one scene this little tidbit of wisdom is proffered up: “Don’t get too close [emotionally] to a customer.” Wow! Strippers live by the same code, only they know it intrinsically, as if it's part of their DNA. The Coyote girl must be told this. Either they are very thick or very underestimated; my $20 is going on a combination of both. Do the potential Coyotes believe the philosophies Lil spews? To be real women, I sincerely hope not. Hopefully they see this is all a case of "you scratch my back Lil, and I'll scratch yours". After all, without the Coyotes, there would be no Coyote Ugly and Lil might have to do porn to pay the bills. I would be happy to direct and script that about intelligent exploitation. Ooooh - now that was ugly.

Lil also is not a particularly nice person. When a girl doesn't cut the muster, she's frequently insulting and rather rude to them. Please - we already have one Simon Cowell and we don't need another. At least take a few lessons from Paula and kill 'em with kindness, lady. Oh dear, I just called Lil a lady which she clearly is not. And thank goodness she's not my wife.

In the midst of all this crap, somebody also says “A real woman wears heels and makeup”, which goes to prove what I’ve always suspected – that RuPaul is indeed a real woman, and so was Divine for that matter.

I only viewed the San Antonio episode, as I didn’t have the stomach for more of the marathon. You, however, can indulge – there’s another marathon tonight, Wednesday, May 31st, starting at 6PM (CST) on CMT, and in fact the S.A. episode (#4) plays at 8PM (CST).

This is recommended only for the cheap thrills, but make sure you’ve got a shovel handy so you can clean up the bullshit that emanates from your TV. You’ll need a small crowbar as well - to pry your jaw from the floor when the end credits roll.