Today’s entry is a bit of cheat, because it begins with a nice, long anecdote that I had nothing to do with constructing. (I should do more entries like this - I’d save a lot of time and energy.) Over at The House Next Door, where I also read and rant, there’s this guy called “The Odienator”, and his posts mesmerize and hypnotize in the sickest sort of sense (this is a compliment). I felt that a story he posted yesterday needed immortality outside of a talkback and it’s stuck with me since reading it last night. Without further buildup or adieu, here’s Odie’s reminiscence of going to see a certain film, directed by a certain star of Tequila Sunrise:
[T]hanks for bringing up Da Lawd Gets Da Beat Down, I mean The Passion of the Christ. Forgive me for this brief story about the day I went to see it. I was standing in line outside the theater doors. People started coming out of the theater, or rather, they were stumbling out as if they'd been hit by a bus. Little kids were coming out with wet, red faces and the kind of bloodshot eyes reserved for the singer in the song Lush Life.
The first "normal" looking person to exit the theater was this heavy-set, older Black woman. She reminded me of the women who frequented the church I used to go to when I was growing up. I knew her type well, as some members of my family are just like her. She had a cherubic face, and she smiled at me, which put me at ease. She seemed so poised in a church lady kind of way. As she passed me, she touched my arm. I said "yes, ma'am?" And she looked me in the eye and said, as seriously as a heart attack, "Child, I mean they WHUPPED...HIS... ASS!"
All throughout the movie, I kept flashing back to this woman. She was running commentary in my head. "See, I told you! I told you!" She was saying. "Tore His ass up, right?!" I had to hold my breath to keep from cracking up, and getting the entire audience to have me executed for "blasphemy." She made the movie watchable. Thank you "they beat his ass" lady, wherever you are!
- The Odienator
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It’s criminal that Odie doesn’t have his own blog and if that story didn’t amuse, you probably shouldn’t finish this entry.
Back when I first started doing movie reviews for The Chris Duel Show, on one of my early “appearances” on the radio, I was doing a call-in to the show from L.A. (and there really is something about L.A. that brings out the heathen in a person). This was Summer of 2004 and Spider-Man 2 had recently come out, so I was busy hyperbolizing about it being “the best movie of the year” and so forth.
Becky Whetstone was in studio and I guess she picked up on this and said something like “How is it that there are so many ‘best movies of the year’? Wasn’t everyone saying just a few months ago that The Passion of the Christ was the best movie of the year?”
To which I stupidly said, “I don’t know. I never saw that film. It just looked kind of silly to me, like it was a Monty Python movie or something. I saw Bad Santa though, and that was pretty good.”
And the phone lines lit up like a fucking Nativity Scene. It was as if Satan himself was guest starring on The Chris Duel Show.
And Chris, being the wise host that he is, put some random old fart on the air with me. You have to imagine the most creaky, shaking, heartbroken voice of the oldest man you've ever met, and then picture it saying this:
“That young man you’ve got on there [he was talking to Chris and didn’t even want to address me specifically] has no idea what he’s talking about! He’s mocking the Good Lord and he’ll have to answer to him someday! The Passion of the Christ is a beautiful film. I saw that horrible movie Bad Santa – I sat through every frame of that filthy, disgusting movie, blah, blah, blah…”
If the guy could've smacked me with his cane over the air, I'm sure he would've, provided his colostomy bag didn't get in the way. I found myself apologizing - on the air - to this guy and that I didn’t mean to offend or mock his faith or whatever. Still pissed at myself for not just unloading on him further…but these sheep are a sensitive flock, and I did not wish to worry him further about the downfall of society and the ongoing degradation of humanity. I do have to give the guy props for having seen both films, though; he one-upped me in the movie-going department at that point. Needless to say, that was one of my first lessons learned about preaching at a conservative talk radio audience.
So what’s my point? Not sure yet, but I’ll hopefully make one tomorrow.
Click here to read Part Two.