Friday, April 07, 2006

An Online Game for Me

Now I'm not usually on top of the latest trends (as faithful readers know, I had to be shamed into getting a MySpace account), but here's a little something that's caught my attention: Naughty America: The Game.

Finally, a virtual experience I can get behind: A game dedicated to good old-fashioned filthy fuckin'. It's a place where I don't have to be an elf or a wizard - I can be a stud or a playa'. Screw buying armor and knives! Condoms and dildos are where it's at. Naughty America, where have you been all my life? (Or more importantly, where were you when I was single?)

What kind of character will I create? Will it be a he or a she? Will crossdressing be allowed? Say goodbye to penis-resizing enhancers - now I can create an enormous hunk of meat to my own specifications, with a few mere clicks of my keyboard!

I shall rule the land of Naughty America. All will fall for my online sexual spell. I will be elected king and queen. Characters of all sexes, shapes and sizes will come to worship at the online altar of my boudoir. They will gaze up into the virtual mirror I program above my bed. I will host kinky swinger parties and orgies involving people named FreddiexXx37 and Maude_The_Whore. Clothes will not even exist in my Naughty America. Who needs Viagra when you can design your own hard-on?! In order to IM me, women will first be required to give me 10-minute blowjobs, and men will stand idly by, cuckolded by the sight of my massive, manly manhood penetrating their virtual wives.

As a great man once proclaimed, "I'll fuck anything that moves!!!"

The future is now. The past is yesterday. The present is my shaved cartoon scrotum.