Wednesday, March 22, 2006


For several minor reasons that are wholly irrelevant, I recently signed up with MySpace. After tooling around on it for several days, trying to get the lay of the land, and generally feeling out the scene, I came to a realization: this is not something of which I want to be a part.

MySpace is self-indulgence on a level so grand that it finally exposes the Internet for the trash it most of the time is (this in itself may be MySpace's singular achievement). It is not a place for communication and networking, it is a place to posture and strut. Each time I've logged in, I've gotten a queasy feeling deep in my guttiwuts, as though my inner-adolescent wants to jump out through my throat and bash me over the head for putting myself in another situation in which he may be unleashed (and he spends ~plenty~ of time running rampant as is).

No good can come of this and these recent news reports about kids meeting "adults" through MySpace are only the beginning of the worst. How far will it go? God I don't know, but I'm positive there's an outstanding piece of sci-fi to be made from the conjecture. I also know that I want as few "Friends" as cyberly possible.

I also want to register the domain and start a site where people won't go because it isn't all about them. Geez, this cyber-culture has gotten so out of hand. Let's all just stick ports in the backs of our necks and be done with it already. We can all be fucking Darth Vader and have computers coming out of our chests. The phrase "you're pushing my buttons" will take on a whole new meaning. Where's my bloody virus protection? Whoever dreamed that e-mail would be passe and out of date!?!?

But it's the new cool thing! Everybody's doin' it!! Jump on board!!! Fuck man, this has gotta be the most subhuman example of sheer debasement the 'net has yet spawned...and people are fucking eating it up like it's free friggin' caviar. I swear to you it makes 'net porn look fairly reputable by comparison - that's how bad it is...and there isn't even any nudity!!!

On top of everything else, MySpace pages look fucking cluttered and ugly and they take forever to load. And if you are surfing MySpace, make sure you've got your goddamn speakers turned down, or else you'll have to suffer through endless shit song after bad tune. Who gets enjoyment out of this? I can possibly see enduring the novelty of it for a week or so - maybe - but there are people who fucking live on MySpace!!!!

I mean TheirSpace, because I don't claim it. I don't want to be infected by it. I just want to go plant a goddamn tree - that's what I want to do. With the cosmic forces aligning as they do, I'm sure somebody will chop it down and make a computer desk out of it.

UPDATED!: The Onion tackles MySpace!