I have a burning desire that's really more of a cruel mean streak: I crave the exciting rush of dousing a neighborhood cat in heat with a pail of cold water. Any horny cat will do.We have them all the time around our house, usually late at night. Presumably they hang around our place because of our cats. I don't know much about horny cats - can they even tell if other cats they're crying at are male or female? (I've got one of each outside and a third male who's totally indoor.) Because ours are all fixed they tend to somewhat quizzically stare at these screeching creatures. When confronted by these obnoxious beasts, my cats think, "Get over yourself" or "I'm not the 'droid you're looking for". I suspect that even they would love to see me fulfill my wet dream.
And believe me, I've tried. But cats in heat are more skittish than your average cat, and no matter how hard I've tried or to what lengths I've gone -- preparing pans full of water, carrying them out in to the night with a flashlight in the other hand -- I always fucking miss. Sure, they go away after mission impossible has failed yet again, but that's clearly not enough for me.
Understand, I am not intrinsically a cruel man and obviously I'm a massive cat lover...well, I love my cats anyway. Cats are like kids: You love and adore your own and want the world for them, but most everyone else's are big pains in the ass and not even remotely charming or cute.
The Morgue is now taking suggestions as to how I can accomplish my mission. Please don't suggest the water hose. That would be cheating -- like gunning down a deer with a .22 rifle. The pail and water is my bow and arrow, you see. There's a certain amount of skill involved here and after years of failure, I want to bask in a feeling of well-deserved success.
