"What I Believe"by Steve Martin
I believe in rainbows and puppy dogs and fairy tales.
And I believe in the family - Mom and Dad and Grandma…and Uncle Tom, who waves his penis.
And I believe 8 of the 10 Commandments.
And I believe in going to church every Sunday, unless there's a game on.
And I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, wholesome and natural things…that money can buy.
And I believe it's derogatory to refer to a woman's breasts as "boobs", "jugs", "winnebagos" or "golden bozos"…and that you should only refer to them as "hooters".
And I believe you should put a woman on a pedestal…high enough so you can look up her dress.
And I believe in equality, equality for everyone…no matter how stupid they are, or how much better I am than they are.
And, people say I'm crazy for believing this, but I believe that robots are stealing my luggage.
And I believe I made a mistake when I bought a 30-story 1-bedroom apartment.
And I believe the Battle of the Network Stars should be fought with guns.
And I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was - an arctic region covered with ice.
And, lastly, I believe that of all the evils on this earth, there is nothing worse than the music you're listening to right now. That's what I believe.
The Rued Morgue would like to thank Mr. Martin for his insightful commentary and we welcome him back at any time to share his stimulating thoughts and ideas.
