Thursday, March 02, 2006

The Narc, A Ho & Tinkerbell

NOTE: If you haven't already read this entry then you need to, as todays is a sequel of sorts.

Well, I had to do it - I had to be an old man and tell the pot smoking teens to take it on the arches.

I hated doing it, too, but instead of harmlessly baking themselves in the mid-morning sun, they decided that after school would be a good time to kill some more brain cells. What they didn’t consider, or were unaware of, is that my 12-year old kid was home from school at this time.

“There are some guys in the back yard. I think they’re gettin’ high or something.”

That sentence kinda sorta sealed their fate. What was I to do?

“It’s OK, Jake. They’re not hurting anybody. It’s only an illegal activity and I have no beef with such things, so just go do your homework and pretend like they’re not there.”

Now that sentence, as even an only moderately responsible parent, is one I wasn’t prepared to speak. I had to “be seen” taking action.

So I wandered out there, and while they were clearly taken aback, the one with the pipe in his hand made absolutely no effort to hide it! Amazing. I swear my balls shrunk to about peanut size in awe of the temerity of this kid.

“Hey guys. Look, um, I’m not gonna narc on you or anything…”

NARC!?!?!? Did I say “narc”? I did. Does anybody use the word narc anymore? It’s been a long time since I’ve been worried about being “narced” (sp?) on, so I’ve got zero idea if they even knew what I meant, or if I simply came across as the fogey I am. If anybody out there knows the newer, hipper terminology, please let me know for future reference.

“…and I know this seems like a cool place to hang out and all, and nobody can see you, but I gotta 12-year old kid in there, you know?”

I blamed my kid. I tried so fucking hard to be cool, that in a very roundabout manner, I blamed my kid. I am so not cool. I am lamer than FDR and Stephen Hawking combined. Hopefully they don’t know which kid is mine and beat him to a pulp for narcing on them.

They were pretty decent about the whole thing. They apologized and said it wouldn’t happen again. Upon closing the deal, I had to stifle the urge to say, “Next time, just don’t be so damn loud…and make sure you tap on my window so I can come out and supervise.”

Later in the evening, I went to see Jake in a goofy school play, where he flirted with some girl who he and his friends obviously liked and yet later on labeled a “ho”. I of course pointed out, “That’s not very cool, dude”. He matter-of-factly replied, “No, she calls herself that. She’s our ho.” Stymied. I know nothing about the youth of today and I’m still closer to 30 than 40.

After the play we went to The Magic Time Machine, where this cute, friendly little girl dressed as Tinkerbell was our waitress. We ordered the famed Roman Orgy and Jake got Tink to feed him dangling grapes from a vine. This is the kid who narced on some other kids only a few years older than him, mere hours earlier, for smoking pot outside the house.

I think he was jealous of them. Takes after the old man, yes he does.