Tae Kwon Don't

A bit that I hadn't heard in years is called "Tae Kwon Leap." My friend Jim played it for me when we were young and carefree (now we're just old and carefree). It's an incredibly funny piece in which this goofball interrupts a martial arts class with his stupid nonsense. All I really know is that it's by a Canadian comedy troupe called The Frantics and that it's some hee-larious shit.

Here's a text excerpt:

Ed: No disrespect or nothing, but like how long is this going to take?

Master: Tae-Kwon-Leap is not a path to a door, but a road leading forever towards the horizon.

Ed: So like, what, an hour or so?

Master: No, no. We have not even begun upon the path. Ed Gruberman, you must learn patience.

Ed: Yeah, yeah, yeah -- patience. How long will that take?

Click here to download the entire audio bit. The file is only 2.71 MB and runs about 6 minutes.

(Thanks to the guy who's hosting this MP3.)

Torchwood: The Complete First Season

Torchwood harkens back to a type of sci-fi TV that’s been absent from screens for some time now – fare like The X-Files and Dark Skies. The title of the show refers to the name of a covert organization that seemingly operates above and outside the law in Cardiff, Wales. See, there’s a time and space rift in Cardiff through which alien debris enters our world, and it’s Torchwood’s mission to scavenge and protect. Their fearless leader is the charismatic Capt. Jack Harkness (John Barrowman), a character introduced in the first season of the new Doctor Who series. Jack’s actually from the 51st century, but is stranded on present-day Earth. He’s appropriately omnisexual: a futuristic hero who’s slept around with men, women, aliens – a real “anything with a pulse” sort of fellow. He’s also got a few secrets, and a major one is revealed in the final moments of the first episode, “Everything Changes.”

Read the rest of this DVD review by clicking here to visit Bullz-Eye.

And make sure to visit The House Next Door after Torchwood's Season Two BBC America premiere this Saturday for Joan Hedman's ongoing weekly dissection of the series. BBC America will also be premiering Season Three of Doctor Who on the same night. Click here for times and schedules.

Weird Science: The Complete Seasons 1 & 2

Weird Science, a series based on the John Hughes movie of the same name, looks dreadful. Even Hughes’ original was one of his weakest outings from the good ol’ glory days of Shermer, Illinois. (Admittedly, that’s akin to saying Return of the Jedi was a weak Star Wars entry.) Could this one-gag movie translate into a series? Regardless, I gave it a chance for one big reason: Vanessa Angel.

Find out exactly why Vanessa Angel rates and whether or not Weird Science is worth your time by clicking here and visiting Bullz-Eye.

Come and get your love...

IMDB reports:

Lindsay Lohan is set to spend time in a morgue as part of her community service - in a bid to show the consequences of driving under the influence. The Mean Girls star, 21, was arrested twice last year on charges of DUI, and was sentenced to serve four days behind bars in August. She served just over 80 minutes in Lynwood jail in California in November, after a judge reduced the sentence and ordered her to carry out 10 days of community service - which she began in late last year with the American Red Cross. Her attorney, Blair Berk, told a judge on Thursday at a progress hearing Lohan will spend two four-hour days at a morgue, and will spend a further two days in a hospital emergency room. Lohan was not present at the hearing.

I would like to extend the invite to Miss Lohan to spend her time doing her community service here at The Rued Morgue. She'll be made quite comfortable and no doubt she and I will find plenty of ways in which can work off her debt to society.

Beverly Hills, 90210: Season Three

A while back Piper gave me some good-natured shit for writing about Desperate Housewives on a blog that typically showcases fare like Doctor Who and James Bond (as if either of those franchises can be considered edgy at this point).

If he sees it, this entry will likely cause him to spontaneously combust...

Having spent most of the ‘90s watching movies and very little broadcast TV, Beverly Hills, 90210 was a slice of pop culture I missed out on entirely. (It’s always mildly baffling to realize any series was on the air for 10 seasons and you never saw a single episode of it.) Something as iconic as 90210 carries loads of preconceived baggage, and for education’s sake, I was eager to find out what so transfixed audiences back in ‘92. This box set was my intro to the world of Brenda and Brandon Walsh & Co., and going in I was sure I was gonna hate it...

Find out if my instincts failed me yet again by clicking here and reading the rest of the review at Bullz-Eye.

Stern on Letterman (01/10/08)

One TV event that can always be counted on to deliver is a Howard Stern appearance on David Letterman. A huge part of why it works is because of Stern's ability to corner Dave on issues that he'd rather not discuss, and the ensuing discomfort Letterman ends up wallowing in. It's a sight to behold and the duo have never failed to leave me in stitches. There's a reason why Stern on Letterman appearances almost always last for three segments: because once Howard leaves, the show is all but over. Last night did not disappoint, however the strongest segment was the second (which you can see by clicking here). Stern riffs on Dr. Phil, Don Imus and Jay Leno with increasing comical prowess. It's clear Stern's got an agenda when he comes on the show and he knows what he's gonna say, but the guy's so good that it doesn't matter that it isn't entirely off the cuff. Often times one wonders who's interviewing who. It's must-see TV, even if you're not a fan of either guy. Even Paul Shaffer rises to the Stern occasion and whips out several zingers.

If you are a fan, then by all means check out Part One (where Stern pimps a genital cream and bitches about Oprah) and Part Three (where Stern speaks of his fear of vacations and gives Dave a hard time for not marrying his long-term girlfriend, Regina).

Watch these clips now because they may be gone tomorrow.

Sunshine

Every once in a great while a sci-fi flick comes along that just seems to hit a bunch of the right notes. Such is the case with Sunshine, which hit DVD earlier this week. The flick got mostly an art house sort of release here in the States, which, despite it being distributed by Fox Searchlight, seemed really odd after finally seeing it. It is, after all, a motion picture with a $50,000,000 budget. (By comparison, back in ’79, Alien was a paltry $11,000,000.)

When exactly did $50 mill suddenly become chump change in the sci-fi arena? I guess it happened somewhere around the point that $100 mill became the minimum going rate (see T2 back in ’91 for more info…). But maybe art houses are where Sunshine belonged, because as sci-fi fare goes, its abstract, philosophical messages probably required far too much thought for the average summer moviegoer. Had it been a tentpole release alongside Spidey 12 and Pirates 86, it would’ve tanked. Which is a shame, because if Sunshine had rocked the box office, it likely would’ve made way for far more intelligent fare featuring exploding spaceships and astronauts in peril.

The story seems simple, if not a tad clichéd - in the year 2057, the sun is dying and a ship called the Icarus II must travel to the sun to detonate a nuclear device to reactivate it. The Icarus I tried to do the same seven years prior, but the mission went awry and nobody really knows what happened to its missing ship and crew. Right away you’re saying, “But our sun’s got a good 4 billion years to go, right?” Right! That’s where the film's science advisor, Dr. Brian Cox (a real life Buckaroo Banzai if ever there was one), stepped in and aided the production in creating a plausible reason for the death of the sun 50 years from now. Cox even has his own commentary track on the DVD, which may be even more engaging than director Danny Boyle’s separate track. Cox admits straight up that not every facet of the film is scientifically sound, but he worked hard with the production to make as much sense out of the concept as possible, whilst still delivering a solid actioner.

But since I’m pretty much an idiot on all things scientific, most of it probably wouldn’t have made a big difference to me anyway. Hell, I just wanna be riveted by a good space movie, and with Sunshine I was in ways that I haven’t been for years with this type of fare. For at least the first 30 minutes I was reminded heavily of Alien; for the last 30 minutes, I felt like I was watching 2001 for a new generation. There’s no doubt these classics influenced Boyle and screenwriter Alex Garland, and there’s nothing wrong with stealing from the best and making something of your own. Is it as good as either of those films? Well, yes and no. It’s actually not either of those films. Sunshine is its own dog, and now that it’s out on DVD, I’ve no doubt it’s going to find a place on fans’ shelves right next to the works of Kubrick and Scott.

Mention must be made of the film’s terrific score, which is done by the electronic band Underworld as well as composer John Murphy. The music is, dare I say, at least a third of the film’s success. I’m a sucker for sci-fi music, and John Williams has his place, but it’s not in a movie of this ilk. The aural textures presented here are an ideal accompaniment for this strange, compelling journey.

Much criticism of the film revolves around events in the finale, and their plausibility. They may not be plausible, but I’ll be damned if they weren’t dramatically riveting and in keeping with the setup. Your mileage may vary.

For another take on Sunshine, check out Peet Gelderblom's words at The House Next Door.

Love American Style - Season One, Vol. 1

To anyone paying attention, the Morgue has been woefully mismanaged in the past month and there's really no excuse for that. I've been busy doing various tasks for Bullz-Eye and Premium Hollywood, much of which involves viewing seasons of TV on DVD...which takes a lot of my time. Hopefully in the New Year I'll get back on top of things, including 007 in '007, which despite the change of year will retain its name. In the meantime, I've posted several reviews today, including this one:

Confession: I watched a lot of Love American Style as a kid. Although those memories are a distant blur, for many, the show’s most well-known aspect remains its catchy theme tune, the lyrics of which now bewilder me:

Loooooove, American Style,
Truer than the Red, White and Blue
Loooooove, American Style,
That's me and you

And on a star spangled night, my love (my love, come to me)
You can rest your head on my shoulder
Out by the dawn's early light, my love
I will defend your right to try

Wait a minute, pal: “I will defend your right to try?” To try what? To try resting my head on your shoulder, which you’ve already seduced me into doing? I don’t get it. If any reader does, please e-mail me and explain what the hell is going on there.

Find out if Love American Style is still truer than the Red, White and Blue by clicking here to visit Bullz-Eye.

Doctor Who: "Time-Flight" & "Arc of Infinity"

Two Who DVD reviews for your perusal...

"Time-Flight" is a Doctor Who story I hadn’t seen since I was a teen, so I looked forward to checking it out all these years later. Unfortunately, it turns out that it actually has one of the worst reputations of the entire Peter Davison era.

Surely it couldn’t be that bad, right?

Find out exactly how bad "Time-Flight" may or may not be by clicking here and visiting Bull-Eye.

"Arc of Infinity" occurs right after “Time-Flight” in the Who timeline, and any story following that one would have to look good by comparison. “Arc,” the first tale in the show’s 20th season, [has] so many intriguing elements banging into each other that it always manages to rise up above its pedestrian script.

Read the rest of the piece by clicking here to visit the universe of anti-matter known as Bullz-Eye.

October Road - The Complete First & Second Seasons

It’s easy to want to dislike October Road right off the bat. Its central character Nick Garrett (Bryan Greenberg, Prime) is the writer of a hugely successful debut novel with the annoying title Turtle on a Snare Drum. Nick has writer’s block, but avoids dealing with it via an invitation to speak at the college in his hometown. He hasn’t been there in 10 years, and in the interim has hardly spoken with his father (Tom Berenger), brother or his rag-tag band of high school buds.

Read the rest of the Season One review by clicking here and visiting Bullz-Eye.

And click here to read the Season Two review at Premium Hollywood.

Bullz-Eye TV Power Rankings - Winter '07

Bullz-Eye just published their lastest TV Power Rankings List and I was one of the contributors whose opinions helped shape the list (and wrote up selected entries as well).

Check out the list/article by clicking here.

Upright Citizens Brigade - The Complete Second Season

It’s not the only way to pitch Upright Citizens Brigade to the uninitiated, but it could be the most truthful: this is a show for smart people who like to get high and laugh their asses off. The UCB seem to know this, too, and various aspects of drug culture find their way into the show’s second season, with an ongoing gag centered around the fictitious drug Supercool (which looks suspiciously like Pixie Stix) culminating in the final episode on this set. Of course, obtaining too much of a buzz could also result in getting a little lost along the way. Sketch comedy is rarely this meticulously plotted or strung together, and this material becomes funnier on repeated viewings, hence it is ideal for the DVD format.

Click here to read the rest of the review at Bullz-Eye.

Doctor Who - The Complete Third Series

As someone who’s been a Time Lord devotee since he was 13, it’s almost hard to believe this revival is three seasons in. It seems like only yesterday that Rose Tyler (Billie Piper) was surrounded by moving mannequins in a department store basement when Doctor #9 (Christopher Eccleston) grabbed her hand and issued the simplest of commands: “Run!” But times change and so does Doctor Who. In Season Three, Rose Tyler is relegated to haunting the memories of Doctor #10 (David Tennant). From the first installment in this box set, “The Runaway Bride” (last year’s Christmas special), Rose still plays a role in the Doctor’s adventures, and her name continually pops up throughout the entire season.

Click here to read the rest of the Season Three DVD review at Bullz-Eye.

In other Who news, earlier this week the BBC released the first shot of the Sontarans from the new series. I wrote about their return a few weeks ago and hoped they'd retain their basic look. Wish granted! There's no doubt the alien (pictured at right) is a Sontaran. They look almost exactly the same as they did in the old series, other than having slightly cooler looking uniforms. Isn't there just a tinge of the Schumacher-era Batman costume perhaps? Apparently this story also features the return of Martha to the series (my guess is mid-season?) as the picture indicates.

What I also really like about this photo is the way Donna Noble (Catherine Tate) is dressed. There isn't anything sexy about her getup, but rather an outfit perfectly suited for adventure. Hopefully Donna will be a return to a more traditional type of companion; one who isn't emotionally fixated on the Doctor. Not that I minded what was done with Rose and Martha in that arena; quite the opposite. But it'd be nice to see a Doctor/companion dynamic that is uncomplicated by issues of the heart(s) .

Read a bit more about these matters on the official site.

Warping Time

By popular demand...

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Journeyman

I've been covering the NBC time travel series Journeyman for the blog Premium Hollywood (a sister site to Bullz-Eye) since it started last month. Each Tuesday afternoon I basically write up a loose recap of the previous evening's episode. It's been a difficult and challenging endeavor because I'm not used to writing about a series with so little info at my disposal (unlike Doctor Who, in which I've had the luxury of seeing eps repeatedly and way ahead of time).

But I love Journeyman and wonder if others do as well. If so, come to the site every Tuesday and argue, agree or - even better - say the things I'm failing to address, which I'm sure are many.

To make it even simpler, you can just click here and bookmark the URL that directly leads to my Journeyman blogs...although there's plenty of other stuff on Premium Hollywood worth reading and this blog series is far from the cream of their crop.

By the way, anybody else dying to hear a Journey song during one of Dan's '80s excursions? Or did The Sopranos already ruin that gimmick for everyone else?

Pleading the Fifth (Doctor)

The BBC has confirmed that Fifth Doctor Peter Davison will be joining Tenth Doc David Tennant for this year's Doctor Who Children in Need Special, which will be screened on Nov. 16th. (The last time they did this was the post-regeneration scene between Billie Piper & Tennant.)

Multiple Doctor stories are special events for Who, even though they're usually full of plot holes and cause big logistical problems for series continuity. This time around Steven Moffat has been given the task of writing the scene, entitled “Time Crash”. There’s no word on the plot, but with Moffat scripting, no matter how short this piece is, it'll no doubt rock the TARDIS.

The first such story, “The Three Doctors”, came around in 1973 to celebrate Who's 10th Anniversary. It's really more like the “The Two ½ Doctors”, as Doctor #1, William Hartnell, was so ill by that point that his appearance was reduced to the actor appearing on a video screen and reading his lines off cue cards. Nevertheless, the verbal sparring between Patrick Troughton and Jon Pertwee was a delight to behold as was the numerous companions’ reactions to having to deal with two Time Lords: Jo Grant (Katy Manning) was unaware of the Doctor’s regenerative abilities, while The Brigadier (Nicholas Courtney) and Sgt. Benton (John Levene) had both first met the Doctor in his second incarnation, so for them it was a reunion in addition to being a predicament. The story involves the Time Lord planet Gallifrey being plunged into peril by a renegade Time Lord named Omega, and Docs Two & Three must travel to a universe made of anti-matter to stop him. It’s a pleasant enough way to spend 100 minutes, but much of the production looks cheap compared to many of the stories of the era and the less said about Omega’s anti-matter blob monsters the better.

For the show’s 20th Anniversary, producer John Nathan-Turner unveiled “The Five Doctors”…which was really more like “The Three Doctors” (not the story mentioned above). William Hartnell had passed away ages before, so Nathan-Turner hired Richard Hurndall to play the First Doctor. Granted, Hurndall looked enough like Hartnell and played the part fairly well…but ultimately there was no substitute for the real deal. Next problem? Tom Baker (Doc #4) opted not to take part in the special, which led to script revisions and the Fouth Doctor’s presence reduced to a couple recycled scenes from his never-completed story “Shada”.

So this left Troughton, Pertwee and the then current Doctor, Davison, as the only “real” Doctors in the five Doc celebration. Luckily the story also brought back companions/actors from every era of the series as well as a number of villains. Again the story revolves around Gallifrey, only this time the bulk of the action takes place on the planet itself as the various Doctors and companions scramble around trying to figure out why they’ve all been brought there. It’s a goofy story with a threadbare plot meant as nothing more than a excuse to bring all these elements together for 90 minutes. If you’re looking for good storytelling you won’t find it here, but slickly produced nostalgia runneth amuck.

In 1985, Nathan-Turner again produced a multi-Doc tale entitled “The Two Doctors”, and this time, thankfully, there are two Docs on hand -- no more, no less. Patrick Troughton returned yet again for this lengthy story (3 episodes at 45 min. each) that reunited him with Frazer Hines’ Jamie McCrimmon and introduced him to Sixth Doc Colin Baker and his companion Peri Brown (Nicola Bryant). The story pokes a few holes in Who continuity, but is mostly an engaging yarn involving genetic manipulation, crossed time streams and humans as food (yes, you read that right) as well as a fair amount of location work in Seville. The Docs are kept apart for the bulk of the story and don’t actually meet until Episode Three, but when they do the pair get on like a TARDIS on fire and Troughton, aside from a grayer mop of hair, seems as if he never left the role. If you want to bask in a fun meeting of Doctors, this is the most engaging entry of the three.

The last time various Docs appeared in the same story was in 1993’s “Dimensions in Time”, which, like the upcoming special, was done for Children in Need. It’s quite frankly a dreadful two-part bit of nonsense that runs of all of 13 minutes and crams as many classic elements into that time frame. Moffat should have no problem topping the “Dimensions” script and the production team should find it just as easy to outdo the last multi-Doc entry. Davison looks great in the publicity shots, given that he last played the Doctor on-screen in 1984 when he was 33 – a younger man than Tennant is currently. Today Davison is 56 years young and while his hairline may have receded slightly and voice become somewhat more gravelly, he’ll no doubt do as wonderful a job at convincing viewers that he’s still the Doctor, as Troughton did back in ’85.

Discover Peter Davison as the Doctor for yourself by checking out either “Earthshock” or “The Caves of Androzani” (his final outing) on R1 DVD. Two new Davison-era DVDs will be hitting shelves on Nov. 6th – “Time-Flight” and “Arc of Infinity” (which saw the return of Omega from “The Three Doctors”). All three of the aforementioned multi-Doc stories are also available on R1 DVD.

Criminal Minds - The Second Season

CBS has, in recent years, been incredibly successful with its crime shows, so unless that’s your kind of thing, it’d be easy to write off Criminal Minds as just another one of the pack. Crime procedurals aren’t my bag by a mile, and yet there’s something about Criminal Minds that fascinates. It centers on the Behavioral Analysis Unit (the “BAU”) of the FBI, and each week it’s their job to get inside the heads of unsavory criminal types and stop them before they strike again…which often doesn’t happen, as many a death occurs on their watch before apprehending or taking out the “unsub.” The easiest way to describe it is as the TV series version of Silence of the Lambs, and it’s almost as grisly.

Read the rest of the gory details over at Bullz-Eye by clicking here.

Biggest Finish Yet

There are a lot of things to admire about Doctor Who’s audacious third season finale, “Last of the Time Lords." There are also quite a few things that many seem to hate. I’d argue that the episode's greatest strength resides in its central villain, the Master (John Simm). For the first time in three seasons, the story ends not with the Doctor battling a race of robotic soldiers, but rather with him squaring off against one man with a face and a personality...and that one man is one twisted bastard.

Read the rest of this piece by clicking here to chain yourself up at The House Next Door.

Sontaran Redux

The official Doctor Who website has confirmed the return of the Sontarans for Series Four. This is very cool news.

Forget the Daleks and the Cybermen - I've always been a slave to the Sontarans. It's a peculiar love because they only ever appeared in four stories and only one of those stories deserves the label of great: "The Time Warrior", which was also their introductory story, as well as being the tale that introduced a certain Sarah Jane Smith. (Although I do have a great deal of affection for the flawed yet entertaining "The Two Doctors", which marked the Sontarans final screen appearance.)

The thing I always liked about the Sontarans was that unlike the pepperpots and silver beasties, they had personality (mildly odd for a race of clone warriors). They were always pissed off and defending their honor. As with all of the returning baddies to the new series, I'm sure RTD & his cohorts have something revisionist in mind for these guys, but hopefully they retain their Grimace-like look alongside their inherent pissed-offness. They're off to an interesting start with the casting of Christopher Ryan as the Sontaran leader. Most cool people remember Ryan as Mike from The Young Ones.

Me? Not so much because I'm so uncool and was never a big Young Ones fan. He always amused me most as Marshall, Edina's first husband in Absolutely Fabulous, who was always hopelessly clueless and endlessly chasing some nebulous Hollywood deal. Ryan's an odd choice for this part since he's mostly thought of as a comic talent, but I look forward to seeing what he's gonna do with it. It says a lot that they've cast an "actor" rather than a guy to fit inside a costume.

Boston Legal - Season Three

James Spader, much to the ire of Sopranos fans (and to the surprise of Spader himself), just won his third Emmy for portraying defense attorney Alan Shore. I’ve been a Spader fan since Pretty in Pink, turning fanatic circa sex, lies and videotape, but due to a loathing for creator David E. Kelley’s Ally McBeal, I never gave Boston Legal much of a chance ‘til this DVD set. Whether James S. or James G. deserved the Emmy is worth debating (I could have the argument with myself), but based on the 24 episodes presented here, Spader definitely delivered an Emmy-worthy season of performances. Now I can stop bitching about his need to return to his movie roots and enjoy his work on Boston Legal’s upcoming season.

To read the rest of my review of the Boston Legal Season Three DVD set, click here and visit Bullz-Eye.